posted March 23, 2021
by Rev. Russell Elleven, DMin, VLCE
There are many benefits to becoming vegan in this day and time. We vegans talk about those benefits often. When we stop using animals there is often a benefit to the individual’s health, as well as the health of the planet. But for vegans it is the health of the animal that is most important. We see animals for their inherent worth and dignity rather than how their presence benefits us. In doing so we are still somewhat of an oddity in today’s society.
Because we see animals for who they are, we also connect with them in a profound way—particularly those who live with us. And when it comes time for them to leave us, to die, our hearts break and we are sometimes overwhelmed by grief. As the philosopher, Winne the Pooh, once said, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
This grief, I believe, is something we should talk about more often. We are bombarded by messages that say we “should get over it” or “move on” or “just get another dog/cat,” etc. when our animal companion dies. These are unhelpful ideas which only reinforce the disenfranchisement of our grief. We see the individual who has died while society may see only a dog or a cat or another kind of companion animal.
Whether our animal companion dies naturally or at the hands of a veterinarian we are often bereft with guilt. We wonder if we’d gone to the vet sooner, if we’d fed a different type of food, or if we only had enough money for the surgery or treatment, that our companion might be with us today. We always do the best we can.
There are three things I’d like to suggest as we confront the inevitable death of our animal companions. I have supported dozens of people through the process of grieving their animal companions and I have found these things to be most helpful.
First, there is no need for you to grieve alone. There is likely a pet loss support group in your area (or online) and it is good to be with others who understand your loss. Being with others in a nonjudgmental environment can work wonders in your ability to open up and talk about the pain you have experienced when your companion animal died. I would be happy to help anyone who has difficulty locating a support group. I believe taking part in this type of supportive environment is the most important step you can take to help you feel a bit better after a loss. Leaders of these groups can also often help you locate a professional therapist should that be desired or deemed necessary.
Second, forget about stages or how you should be grieving. I’ve found that some folks have heard about the stages of grief and want to make sure they are following the steps correctly, thinking that if they do, they’ll feel better in the end. This isn’t very helpful. Grief is personal. Grief does not often follow stages or steps. If you expect to feel better by following steps or stages, you’ll likely be disappointed, and this does not help when you are already in a vulnerable state.
Third, find a way to memorialize your animal companion in a way that feels real and authentic. We often hear that a funeral or memorial service helps with closure when our humans die. I’m not sure closure is the correct word but I will say that memorializing loved ones often helps a great deal more than it hurts. There are many ways to memorialize your animal companion today. Don’t let anyone tell you the right or proper way to do this. You know how to do this. Doing this will be painful but it will also be healing.
These three things will not fix you, but they will be of help. We do not get over the loss of a loved one no matter how many arms or legs or fur they may have. What we can do is seek support and attempt to move forward with a heart grateful for having someone that makes saying goodbye so hard.
If you are feeling suicidal please do not hesitate to call 800-273-8255. There is no need to suffer alone.
Rev. Russell Elleven, DMin, VLCE is a 2013 Main Street Vegan Academy graduate and Unitarian Universalist minister who serves as chaplain to the Unitarian Universalist Animal Ministry. He hosts a monthly support group for those who have lost a beloved animal companion and offers individual support to those in need. Learn more at www.AnimalChaplain.net and connect on Instagram @animalchaplain.
Great post! When my dog died, I didn’t know I was caoable of such immense sadness. It was overwhelming and inescapable. It was months before I could think about her without crying and even longer before I could talk about her. We immediately got another dog, quite the opposite of her though. She was very active, spunky and small; just under 10lbs. We got a rescue pitbull puppy who is laaaaazy and 80 lbs. Getting the puppy helped a bit, but my heart still had a gaping hole that left me so sad. I finally found another rescue dog who is very much like the one we lost in both size and spunk, and adopting her is what made my heart whole again. But it was years later and I grieved the whole time.
It’s so true. It took us 3 years after our last cat, Bobby, died to adopt our dog Forbes.
Billy Graham said that if it would make us happy to meet our companion animals in heaven, then they will be there – beause heaven is all about complete happiness. There are no tears in heaven.
I’m so glad to hear he said that. A few years ago the Pope got into some trouble for telling a child that he would see his deceased dog in heaven. the theologians were up in arms because animals aren’t supposed to have souls, but anyone who’s looked into their eyes knows they do. (PS re: Billy Graham — I saw him on his last tour. He spoke in Queens at the park where the World’s Fair had been back in the 1960s. It was a very welcoming, inclusive and hopeful message. I’m really glad I was there.)
DEAR REVEREND RUSSELL, THANK YOU FOR AN INSIGHTFUL & VALUABLE POST. AS A RETIRED CERTIFIED HOSPICE & PALLIATIVE NURSE & AN ETHICAL VEGAN, I WOULD SUPPORT ALL YOU SAY UNEQUIVOCALLY. I CREATED A 2 PAGE RESOURCE FOR MY PATIENTS & FAMILIES, & I HAVE FOUND THAT THOSE THAT HAVE EXPERIENCED GRIEF FROM LOSS OF ANIMALS HAVE BENEFITTED JUST AS MUCH AS THOSE NEGOTIATING HUMAN LOSS. YES, IT IS CRITICAL NOT TO WORRY ABOUT STAGES. FURTHER, IT IS ESSENTIAL NEVER TO PERMIT ANYONE TO ENGINEER YOUR GRIEF. IT IS YOURS, & ONLY YOU CAN PURSUE IT, TRAVEL YOUR JOURNEY & – IMPORTANTLY – EMBRACE THE PAIN, TO HEAL & GROW. ON A PERSONAL NOTE, I HAD A UNIQUE BEING IN MY LIFE FROM JULY, 1994, TILL JANUARY 01, 2008. HER NAME WAS WILY T CATOTY. SHE IS MEMORIALIZED ABUNDANTLY THROUGHOUT MY HOME, & I STILL MISS HER. SHE WAS EXTRAORDINARY: BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, INTUITIVE, FUN & AFFECTIONATE. THANK YOU FOR READING MY NOTE. THANK YOU, AGAIN. MANY BLESSINGS, ROBERTA IN SOFL PS: I’LL ADD THAT I ROUTINELY SUFFER GRIEF OVER THE FATE OF INDUSTRIALLY MANAGED FARM ANIMAL BEINGS & COMMODITIED, POACHED & TROPHIED WILD BEINGS. IT IS DIFFICULT
Dear Reverend Russell,
Thank you for a needed piece. Each time I have lost a companion, a piece of my shattered heart went with him or her. I did seek support and memorialized them. It never gets easier and they can never be replaced. Many are insensitive and have said it was time to move on. Reading your post, and the responses, has me crying as the pain of losing my cat Fifi, my shadow who followed me everywhere, passed two years ago in April. We have eight rescued cats living here and nobody has replaced her and never could. Thank you for your empathic and needed words.
Hey dear friends!
Thanks for the wonderful comments.
Peace and blessings to you all.
Russell
Thanks for all the wonderful and insightful comments!
It is a very moving piece.
My sweet girl died on my lap with my vet out to administer the lethal shot. It was painful for me but it was what had to be done for my girl’s best most comfortable way out. This was 3 years ago, and a friend is facing the very same thing now. I told him of my experience, and he is suffering knowing he has to end his kitty’s life–and it is the kinder way for her to go. He listened to my experience, and it helped him a little, I think. We love our cats, and we have longer lifespans than they do. When they’re going, we have to give them the softest death we can, which sucks for us because we have to come to grips with the fact that we’re euthanizing a sweet family member. I maintain the kind of grief for my girl that honors her: she was a once-in-a-lifetime cat, somebody I feel in my bones. I have two cats now whom I love dearly, two rescue kitties who are wonderful crazy little monsters. My loving them in no way diminishes my love for my previous girl. Ultimately, the cool thing is that love is not finite. We generate more every time we have a new somebody to give our love to.
Wow, love is not finite! Amen to that.
Great blog. There is so much unacknowledged grief in the world especially at this time. Acknowledging our grief seems to be a taboo in current society….it is seen as weak. Unacknowledged grief will always come back around until we are able to be with it. One of my Zen teachers always says, “soft belly, hard back.” Vulnerability is a gift.
I love the Zen quote, Nina!